


lookin' for a better place

by merthurxmalec



Series: heart made of glass [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, ITS SPOILERY FROM THE GET GO, M/M, seriously, this is a fix it of that scene, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 14:58:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18606853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurxmalec/pseuds/merthurxmalec
Summary: AVENGERS: ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!~Steve knows what he is going to do, even before he volunteers to take the stones back himself.or alternatively,How Steve Rogers decides to be selfish.





	lookin' for a better place

**Author's Note:**

> TWO FICS IN ONE DAY? as y'all can see I'm still broken. 
> 
> so I know I said in this house we pretend that scene at the end didn't happen, but I felt it to be my responsibility to fix it. 
> 
> Title is from the song 'lovely' by Billie Eilish & Khalid, which is also what I have pretty much been listening to on repeat since I wanted endgame.

Steve knows what he is going to do, even before he volunteers to take the stones back himself.

 

He knows it is selfish, so incredibly selfish. He knows he shouldn’t do it – there are things he needs to do here, people he needs to be with. He needs to be here for Sam, Sam who never once backed away from his side. He needs to be here for Bucky – Bucky who needs him, now more than ever, thrust into a world he doesn’t think he belongs in. He needs to be there for Clint, share the grief of Natasha’s sacrifice. He needs to be there for Bruce, who lost both Natasha and Tony – the two people he cherishes above all others – in the space of 24 hours. He needs to be here for Pepper, and Rhodey, and Happy – all of them united by the common grief they all share. Most importantly though, he needs to be here for Morgan – who will have to grow up without her father, and with the legacy of Tony Stark on her shoulders - and for Peter, who came back from the dead only to see his father-figure die in his arms. They are both relics Tony left behind, both of them Tony’s kids whom Tony entrusted the responsibility of with Steve.

 

If nothing else, he knows he needs to be there for Morgan and Peter – especially Peter. Peter needs a mentor, a helping hand who will guide him through this superhero business, but also help him deal with the loss that Steve knows is crushing him whole.

 

(Knows, because it is crushing him, too.)

 

It is the thought of Peter that causes him to hesitate after he puts the last stone back in 1970, because he needs to be there for Peter. He needs to go back, because that is what Tony would want him to do.

 

He needs he needs he needs he needs

 

The thing is, he had been Captain America for so long that he forgot what it was like to be Steve Rogers. Captain America never stopped, not even for a second. He always went on – into the next battle, into the next mission, into the next job. He never stopped, because _he could do this all day._

 

But that is Captain America, not Steve Rogers.

 

Steve Rogers needs a break – he craves it. He has been in a fight for so long – with villains, with enemies, with his loved ones and with _himself._

 

Steve Rogers needs to look into warm brown eyes again, needs to hold calloused hands. He needs to live the life he always wanted, but never allowed himself to have.

 

And so, he knocks on the door of the first person he ever loved.

 

When Peggy opens the door, she stands there for a moment in a shocked daze. Steve smiles at her, the first genuine smile he has been able to muster since well, _since before._

 

“Oh, Steve,” she says, her voice just as melodious as he remembers. “It has been so long.”

The words echo in his head, just as they have been for years. Steve lets her pull him into a hug, her head resting on his chest. He can feel himself almost relax, the hardness of life dissipating out of him with the sound of her breathing.

 

Finally, she pulls away, holding his gaze. “I feel like you need to tell me something.”

 

And so, Steve tells her. Not everything, no, and Peggy doesn’t push either, understanding the fragility of time.

 

He tells her about the life she will soon live, with the love of her life, and he sees the silent understanding in Peggy’s eyes as she looks into his. _It won’t be you,_ she is thinking, and Steve smiles to let her know that is okay. In particular though, he talks about Tony.

 

Maria Stark is seven months along, Peggy tells him. Howard asked her to be the godmother just last week. They had been debating names just the day before, Howard insisting on some absolutely hilarious name Maria and Peggy both shot down immediately.

 

“Tony”,Peggy says with a smile, “it sounds right.”

 

Steve almost tells her everything else too, about the way Howard would treat Tony, the way he would scar Tony in a way he would never recover from, albeit unintentionally. He doesn’t, though. Instead he tells her about Tony’s brilliance, about his kind heart, about the way Tony Stark will grow up to be the best man the world will ever see. He tells her of the way he dies, how when the light in his chest diminishes, it felt as if the world had been thrust into darkness.

 

Peggy looks at him for a long time, and Steve shifts under her watchful gaze. Peggy was always good at reading him, always had a way to know exactly what he was thinking.

 

“This isn’t your last stop,” she says, not a question, but rather a fact.

 

“No,” Steve agrees, “no, it isn’t.”

 

Peggy smiles at him, standing up and smoothing down her skirt.

 

“Dance with me,” she says, holding out her hand.

 

Steve smiles and gets up too, taking her hand and pulling her close. She rests her head on his chest, and he perches his chin on her brown curls as they sway to soft music playing from Peggy’s gramophone. It feels good, so good, and Steve thinks he could have this, right here, right now. He could stay and never look back, have the dream of a life of love and safety he had used has his beacon of hope during the war. But that was Captain America’s dream, not Steve Rogers’. Steve Rogers’ dream was in a different time entirely.

 

Peggy lifts her head up, her brown eyes locking with Steve’s. Steve had loved her eyes once, but now all he can think is _it is the wrong shade of brown._

Peggy searches his eyes for a moment, then reaches up to press a lingering kiss on his lips. It tastes bittersweet, like the remnants of a nostalgic past but also the hope of a distant future – a future he could have, he knows, but a future he doesn’t want. Not anymore.  

 

When Peggy breaks away, she rests her forehead against his, closing her eyes. “Go,” she says, her breath a soft touch on his skin. “Go home.”

 

Steve presses one last kiss to her forehead.

 

“Look after him for me, would you?” he asks softly.

 

Peggy nods. “And you look after him for me, too.”

 

Steve smiles, and then he presses the button to go home.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am still dead, and will be remaining dead forever. This is my ghost writing fics to try and mend my broken heart.
> 
> I do have a part two of this planned, which should be up sometime later on today or tomorrow. 
> 
> I guess we'll see where Steve's home is ;) 
> 
> I also want to put it out there that Tony Stark, I love you 3000 <3 
> 
> feel free to scream at me on tumblr: starsinourinfinities  
> seriously, I need to rant about endgame :)


End file.
